Well, it’s the week after Father’s Day. So, I decided to write about Dads. I’m a dad. I grew up seeing some good dads. I mean amazing dads in my eyes. Well just 3. Carl Winslow, Heathcliff Huxtable, and Philip Banks. Do they sound familiar? If you know those guys, you understand how sad that is. These guys are TV dads. Fictional, but my only daily examples of what a good dad was. One thing I had plenty of examples of growing up was bad dads.

Luckily, I believed I was a smart kid and told myself very early that I can learn from the negative I saw in person and the positive I saw on television. The thing is what is a good dad? Were the TV dads good in my eyes by comparison only? Would a male being in my life as a child teaching me what it meant to be a man surpass these fictional characters? Maybe, I don’t know.

These fictional guys were great, but they were married with kids. So, who do I model myself after until I get to that age where marriage is even a thought? Um, rappers. Of course. So, as a pre-teen through my teens it was all about getting the prettiest girls and looking as good as I could. Taking care of my clothes, which was a strong 2-week rotation, and keeping my hair spinning were top priorities. The confidence was already on 1000 because what rapper’s wasn’t? I was also growing up in Brooklyn, New York and at the time the big-time rappers were from NYC with the biggest coming from Brooklyn. You couldn’t tell me anything and this confidence with absolutely nothing behind it was beginning to be fed by the females who believed it along with success in school with sports and grades.

So, now I’m growing up. In my late teens to early 20s, my relationship with my actual father is nonexistent to rocky at best but hip-hop is growing up with me. Diddy started a television network and a premium Vodka company. Nas was buying into startups (two now multi-billion dollar companies included: Dropbox and Lyft). Jay-Z is starting to become a business mogul in his own right, is running the label his company was signed under, helped bring the Nets to Brooklyn, and is dating the best looking, most talented, and most wanted female in the industry. So, on my way to Morehouse College I began to change my way of thinking. I wanted to take over the world. Money, security, owning businesses, buying real estate, and moving how I saw fit were the goals. Thanks Hip Hop.

Was Hip Hop as Good or Bad dad? Well, it said some things to me it shouldn’t have. It exposed me to things I shouldn’t have been exposed to at least not as a pre-teen. It told me to be a drug dealer, if necessary. Kill, if necessary. Drop out of college (Right as I got there). Yes, it did but it also told me to believe in myself even when I had nothing to believe in. It gave me the strong attitude to be able to make decisions and live with them. It filled the void left by father that my mother couldn’t fill. (Which wasn’t as big of a void as it could have been. Go Mom!) I didn’t sell drugs. I didn’t kill anyone. I graduated from college.

Let’s discuss what actual father figures I saw with my young eyes. Let’s be that kid. I see Dads who would be around for winter and be gone before spring ended only to come back by fall just to leave again. I see dads who drunk and beat their way out of the home. I see dads who lived in the same borough as their kids, go months at a time without seeing or speaking to them. I see dads being so bitter about paying child support that they refuse to do anything else for the kid.

I see dads who weren’t paying child support living in a home with a new car, while their kid was homeless. Out of all this the worst in my opinion, is any of these fathers showing up after the child reaches adulthood and acting as if they had something to do with it. You know? Like they chipped in every now and then and that half of a half-assed effort manifested into great parenting and VOILA! You’re an adult. Thanks, Bad Dads you showed me exactly what not to do.

In closing, Good vs Bad is not always easy to point out. When in war, both sides feel they are doing the right thing. Same with religion. In politics, both sides believe their party is what is best for the people. When parenting is added to the equation, it can become even more difficult. Is the dad that lives in another state who is paying child support for his kids and reaches out to them while living with his wife and younger kids a bad dad? Is he worse than the dad who lives with the kids and the mother of his children but never shows them any affection or that he loves their mother?

Are these guys worse than the well-off dad that lives in the same city but doesn’t live with his kids, gets them anything they want, kills it on birthdays, holidays, and special occasions but is too busy or a ghost on a regular day when his kids just want to hang with dad and talk about life. Are they all bad? Well, we know they are better than the dads I saw but again the good vs bad is relative. All I can say is if you are a dad try your best to be the best dad you can be. If you can do more, do it. Not with the mother of your children and they live with her? Money will help. No money? Time will do. No time? For your kids? Right, time will do. Be available.

Happy Father’s Day to all who deserve it. If you don’t, try to earn it next year.

Food for thought…. You do the dishes!